Zombie Manifesto – Part Deux

Well, the last post generated a few interesting comments. One of which was “pickled eggs.” I can only assume this is one of the worst foods to stock up on.

This section of the manifesto will cover a few more important areas to help you and those you love survive the inevitable. We have all seen the movies, watched in horror as people make mistakes, do something stupid, things we would never do. Well here is a list of things for you to avoid.

With me once more is Peter Clines, researcher/writer behind Ex-Heroes. This man has tremendous insight when it comes to zombies and has yet to file a restraining order against me. So until he does, let’s pick his brain some more.

As usual, please comment on anything we might have missed.

Zombie Survival 101 – People do it in the movies.

(You are not an actor, don’t act like one.)

The lights are not working and you “think” you heard something in the basement.  What do you do?

SR – there is always something in the basement, don’t those people watch movies?

PC – I know! Honestly, if there’s something in the cellar, leave it there.  Unless you have serious reason to worry about zombies coming up through the floor with power tools, lock the door and just listen to them fall down the stairs again and again.

Your friend is bitten by or you find a straggler with bite marks.  Do you take them into your group?

SR – As far as I am concerned people who would do that have a death wish. I don’t care if you are my best friend, gave me a kidney, or you owe me money. The minute you are bit I am voting you off the island.

PC – I guess it all depends on how virulent our particular zombie plague is, and also on the character of the person who’s been bitten.  We’d like to hope most people would be dignified and maybe make some kind of noble sacrifice with their life, but odds are you’re just going to have to lock them out or tie them up.

The (insert large grocery store/mall name here) is just down the street.  Do you go loot the place?

Shopping during the zombie apocalypse

SR – It’s the apocalypse people. Do you really need to get that sound surround system you’ve always wanted when there’s no power? Is wearing those designer shoes going to make you run faster? Unless you are getting supplies that are useful, I say let Darwinism take over.

PC – Not only that, don’t forget five hundred other people probably had the same idea as you.  If you’re more than five minutes into the apocalypse, it’s a safe bet everywhere with its own parking lot has been cleaned out.

You hear something. Should you go check it out?

SR – While I think it is noble to go and take one for the team, alerting them to an attack with your screams, I say smarten up. If you are in the middle of nowhere, an apartment, or a bunker, and hear something out of place, chances are good you don’t want to find out what it is. Go back to camp, get backup, or pack up.

PC – Yeah, this is recon 101.  How many movies have we seen where someone just “goes to check something out” and ends up watching their own blood spray out across the ground.  The buddy system is always your friend.

Up ahead you see someone.  Should you try to catch up and tap them on the shoulder?

SR – The minute the first zombie appears, all people are dead to me. I have no intention of running up behind anyone.

PC –  While you’re at it, pull on your red security uniform, stand up, and say “I think I see something” in a loud, clear voice.  This situation is where a good pair of binoculars, a monocular, or maybe just a rifle scope comes in handy.  Especially the rifle scope, because if you don’t like what you see you’re already in position to deal with it.

What do you do when people start to relax?

SR –If you are in a group, the minute you see someone take a snooze or loosen their grip on their weapon, you’re as good as a McZombie Meal. Do not relax, mainline Red Bull or Mountain Dew. Snort coffee grounds, but do not let your guard down.

PC – I guess it depends on the size of your group.  If there’s three or four of us, we’re going to need to stay frosty for a while.  If we’re talking six or seven or more, though, I think it’s important to let everyone some rest, just so they don’t snap.  Everyone’s got a snapping point.  Everyone.  I don’t want to find out what yours is until we’re safely behind the barricades.

What do you do when the barricade falls?

SR – As mentioned in the prior post I do think most people will overestimate their DIY skills. Don’t let this happen to you. The keyword here is reinforce, I cannot reinforce how important this is. See what I did there?

PC – I worked as a carpenter for a couple of years—my barricades will take a lot before they fall.  If they did fall, I’d have an escape plan ready.  Either tunnels or a rooftop zip line.  Probably the zip line.  Because that’d be a cool way to escape.




I really like this question and answer format. I think it works really well.


Thanks, it was a long of fun, and admittedly Peter makes it easy – he is fantastic to work with on this.


Light’s aren’t working and I think there’s something in the basement?
Do I know there’s a zombie apocalypse going on? I’m probably going to be waiting outside the door with a shotgun aimed at it, the murderer has to get up those stairs eventually.. Right?

Some one is bitten ‘eh?
Well.. I’m not wasting my bullets on ’em, you waste your bullets on ’em! No it will probably eventually end up with a very cruel fate of the single swing head chopping execution. Which I’m fine with it kind of makes things hard on the family but it’s a new time.

Let’s all go to the market when shits going down! I don’t like going when shit’s not going down.. No.

Hear something should I go check it out?
Grab a bottle, look at the direction you hear it, and throw the bottle on the opposite side of it away from yourself. Ta’da now you’ll find out what it is with out having to worry about being killed.. As long as you hide after throwing the bottle.

Up ahead I see some one, should I go to tap on their shoulder?
They clearly want some personal space if they’re all alone up ahead in the clearing to where I can see them as bright as day. Avoid them completely and never see them again.

People start to relax?
It’s bound to happen, but I’d recommend staying a bit tense until at least the group manages to find a good holing up point. It’s impossible to survive with out comfort & happiness.. Actually. What’s the point of surviving if your not comfortable and happy some where?

What would I do if barricades failed
Wonder how the hell we got caught in the first place as I’m climbing down the ladder from he top floor. Putting up a barricade should be silent, just as much as settling into a place of rest.


Other things that movies tend to touch on in themselves is stealth.. People always failing at it then the first thing to do is go guns a blazing. I mean.. Really? You’re facing an enemy that is so stupid that it will probably forget you even exist if you walk around the corner, though a door, then out the window. Why expose yourself to the entire area by making super loud noises with gunpowder & lead?

People in movies also always have these strong opinions about things.. Well fuck all to their opinions this is survival. Just because you feel like you owe some stranger your help because you’ve always helped people..Then fuck it.. Give me your shit and go get yourself killed, I don’t care I have other’s to tend to that aren’t dumbasses.

Make-shift weapons: baseball bat with nails will probably ruin the baseball bat and handy cap the wielder. Don’t modify your weapons unless you’re a professional black smith making a really reliable killing implement.


My problem with the whole tying up a friend/or family member is the zombie bit. If most Z movies are to be believed, zombified humans tend to become a bit more fragile and squishy. Now if you’ve tied one up by the wrists, and it wants to eat you, I’d expect its desperate need to feed would result in its fragile body parts “coming loose” when it began to struggle.


I have wondered this myself, wouldn’t the skin get icky? Great point!


And while I remember, in this seasons Walking Dead Rick did the right thing with regards to seeing someone up ahead – drive past and leave them to there own struggle.

And if they get eating take their supplies!

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