Zombie Manifesto: Part 3

Manifesto Updates

The second attempt at gathering Intel has provided a lot of information about what weapons to use, possible home renovations, and noise is bad.

First, the honorable mentions:

Zombiemutts and Jamal Morgue Luckett point out the most important thing to remember if you intend to survive the apocalypse, shut the hell up, or as they said more politely noise attracts them, so be quiet.

Calicade offered up a wide array of weapon choices, axes, crowbars, baseball bats, and shovels. Reminding us to stick to weapons that are easy to handle.

Andy Taylor made a great point about getting a real machete versus a knock off, also brings into play the katana and stealth. He logically points out that the chainsaw is heavy, and after a few moments your arms would turn to noodles, not to mention it is noisy and goes against the most important thing, noise=bad. He also talks of “The Devastator,” look for it on infomercials in the future.

Adrian Chamberlin gave us a lesson on bows, and how long range weapons would be best, perhaps the compound bow. Though you would need to be an excellent shot.

*My question here, as brought up by another, would the arrow be strong enough to penetrate the skull? More research by Chamberlin is needed.

William Todd Rose brought to our attention things we never would have thought of. Admit it, none of you were preparing to get metal kitchen gloves to protect your hands. And even more was his “Corridor of Gore.”

Zombie Manifest Part II – Redux

During the zombie apocalypse the things that will keep you alive are the ability to be quiet and stealth. Weapon wise, if guns are not an option you still have a chance. A good old fashioned mace, something you can make with a wooden bat and nails, a machete (real one, not a knock off), a katana, The Devastator. A compound bow, or crossbow if you are a great shot. Last, but not least, is the crow bar, easy to find, durable, but only to be used if there are a few undead after you, not to be used in horde situations.
*There is also the Corridor of Gore, which will be discussed further in this post.

Talking with William Todd Rose

While I go out and buy various bats, bows, track down authentic machetes, and look at online classes about making arrows I am going to ask William Todd Rose a few questions about creating a “Zombie Dream Home.” He has written several books about zombies, you can read more about that here www.williamtoddrose.com

Hi Todd, hope things are well. I’m going to ask a few questions for the third entry that revolve around home renovations, and the infamous “Corridor” you described. You have gained a few fans with this concept.

The Corridor of Gore

Q. Can you tell us the best place to set it up, any other additions we might make to it in order to improve it, and of course what we can do to prevent falling victim to one ourselves.

A. The best place to set it up would be at one end of an otherwise secured area. Perhaps somewhere surrounded on all sides by a wall. After all, you don’t want to be focusing all of your attention on the zombies in the corridor while Zed the Organ Fiend is shambling up behind you. The corridor should be the only way into this location but, of course, not the only way out. Any add ons or modifications you wish to incorporate are only limited by the depravity of your imagination. For example, you might elect to lower the slot that the decapitating blade runs through so that it’s at knee level instead of neck. Then the zombies would be forced to crawl over the spikes and eviscerate themselves before you finish them off with the fire.

Windows and entryways

Q. I know many people would want to block them all, but how do you escape if invaded? How do you know your escape door won’t be your undoing?

A. I agree that you’d want to block and reinforce them all, but the key is preparation. You don’t want to wait until the horde is doing the reanimate shuffle across your lawn to throw up shoddily cobbled barricades. Besides being in a situation where you were hard pressed for time and supplies, the pounding, banging, and unavoidable cursing as you struggled to strengthen your defenses would only serve to draw more zombies to your location. The best time to put your plan in effect is now. Bars on the outside might not be a bad idea, but why not go that extra step and install locking steel shutters on the inside as well? The undead aggressors may be able to break the panes; they may even be able to pull the bars out of the window frame; but a quarter inch of solid steel is sure to slow them down.

Since we’re preparing ahead of time (which is really the point of this manifesto, is it not?) you should have a minimum of three underground tunnels which you can use to flee your base of operations. The exits of these tunnels should be concealed from a direct view of the house and the exits should not only be well camouflaged but also locked from the inside. Also make sure the key to the lock is stored near the exit so you don’t have to worry about forgetting it in your haste. And for God’s sake, don’t wait until the zombies have defeated your defenses enough to see where you’re going when you bug out. The idea here is for the undead to “think” that you’re still inside the house when, in fact, you’re scampering away in the distance.

Rose family bedtime story

One upon a time, there were three little pigs: a hippie pig, a suburban pig, and a prepper pig. The hippie pig lived as one with nature in a yurt. The suburban pig had a nice Cape Cod made of wood, and the prepper pig built his house out of stone and brick. The Big Bad Zombie made short work of the hippie pig with no huffing and puffing at all. The suburban pig held out a little longer, but eventually (with the help of his friends) the Big Bad Zombie enjoyed some tasty bacon at that house as well. The prepper pig, however, lived in something that was almost like a fortress. He had the foresight to realize doors and windows were chinks in his armor and reinforced them accordingly; so the Big Bad Zombie was left to shred his fingernails and slough the flesh off his hands as he clawed at the rough brick and stone as the prepper pig took his time with well-placed headshots from an upstairs window. This bedtime story has been passed down through the Rose family for generations and there’s a moral to it.

Attics

Q. Are they really an option in your opinion?

A. In my opinion, the attic would be a death trap. To begin with, most attics have only one way in, which also means only one way out. If you’re hiding in the attic then that most likely means the zombies have already gained access to the house and they will find you. Even if there is an attic door, don’t fool yourself. Interior doors are almost always weaker and shabbier than exterior; so if the undead have already brought down the outside door, the one barring them from the attic would be no problem.
Now, some may argue that the door is not the only exit from an attic and cite windows. However, there are risks there. How sharp is the incline of the roof? Given a steep one, you’d have gravity working against your escape. Even if it’s relatively flat, then there’s still getting down to worry about. You could jump, but one wrong landing and your knee or ankle could be royally screwed. Especially if it’s been raining and the roof and grass below are slick. The last thing you want is to be writhing on the ground in pain while the undead slowly close in and put an end to your “escape”.

Practical modifications

Q. What else would you do to your home to prepare it for the zombie apocalypse?

A. I would have at least one room, windowless, where the walls, floors, ceiling, and doors were entirely covered in carpet. Sometimes musicians use this as makeshift baffling in home studios to help dampen sounds. It’s not entirely soundproof, of course, but would go a long way toward masking the sounds of day to day activities since the carpet would absorb sound waves. Another thing you could do is drill a hole in the roof near the bathroom. Through this hole, you’ll want to snake a long length of garden hose. Next go to the roof (keep in mind the aforementioned dangers; however, since you’re not under attack at this point you will be less panicked and can afford to move with caution). Once you’re to the point where the garden hose is sticking up through the hole, take a large kitchen funnel and insert the narrow end into the hose. A circular clamp like the ones that secure hoses in your car’s engine can be used to secure the garden hose to the funnel. At this point, wedge the funnel into the hole, return to the inside, and place the other end of the garden hose into the bathtub (making sure that it is properly stoppered). When it rains, the funnel will collect the water and gravity will feed it through the hose and into your homemade reservoir.

Bunkers

Q. Do you think it wold be better to get a bunch of people together and invest in an underground bunker like this?
http://www.missilebases.com/nike-indiana
I chose this one because it has a pool, but there are many options.

A. To begin with, my wife and I fell in love with this place! I would live there even if the undead apocalypse never came. The pool is nice. If you drained it, thoroughly cleaned the chemicals out of it, and then filled it with fresh water, you could then stock it with fish, frogs, and aquatic plants to create a self-sustaining eco-system. The fish eat the tadpoles and you can then eat the fish and/or frogs. If you drill a well close by equipped with a hand pump, you can also not only make sure your pond doesn’t evaporate all of its water but also have something to fill bottles and jugs with.

Hospitality when the Apocalypse Arrives

Q. Strangers, let them in or let them die?

A. This may sound harsh, but the apocalypse is not the time to make new friends. If you’ve got a fortified location, you’re better off keeping other people out. To begin with, the more people you have with you, the quicker your supplies will dwindle; the quicker your supplies dwindle, the more excursions you have to make to replace them. Which drastically increases the odds of infection. In addition to this, more people also increases your chances of drawing unwanted attention. And that’s best case scenario. Worst case scenario? You get one of those idiots who’ve been bitten but decides to hide it from the group. Now, instead of keeping the infection out, you’ve actually welcomed it in as a guest, making all of your preparations null and void. Another worst case scenario is that the newbies slit your throat in your sleep and claim your fortress and supplies as their own. Even if they’re not infected and even if they don’t kill you, the addition of new people changes the group dynamic. More personalities increase the potential for conflict within your own ranks. We humans have a hard enough time getting along with one another even in the best of situations; add the stress of life or death decisions into the equation and anything could happen. Yes, there’s a good chance those people will die if you don’t let them in, and that is sad. But let’s face it: you don’t have it within your power to save everyone in the world. If you did, then we wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with.

What did we forget?

Q. Now that we have gone over how to build your very own Zombie Dream Home, I ask you this. What have we forgotten? What would you do? Boiling vats of oil? Fire trenches? Barbed wire? Have we missed anything?

A. While it would be very cool to watch, I’m not sure that boiling oil would do the necessary brain damage to drop a rotter so I’d probably rule that out. I’d also nix any defenses to a home that have to do with fire, which is why I’d also suggest that the Corridor of Gore not be deployed near your home. After all, the last thing you want is a bunch of zombie-shaped torches struggling to gain entrance to a potentially flammable structure. Barbed wire wouldn’t be much help, either. The reason it works for animal control is because of the pain and discomfort the barbs cause, which would not be much of a deterrent to unfeeling zombies. The most it would do is trip them up and/or slow them down. Which, in itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But if the battle gets up close and personal, dealing with a zombie is bad enough without having barbed wire tangled around it. Contrary to popular opinion, evolution doesn’t dictate that the strongest survive; it dictates that the organisms which best adapt to change will. In a zombie uprising, humans will be savagely thrust back into the food chain and power will be the least of our concerns. As a species, mankind has survived and flourished far longer without power than we have with it; yet, for some reason, we’ve come to think of it as being as much as a necessity as food, water, and shelter.

As far as protecting your home goes, I would employ techniques I’ve named after a famous Brazillian soccer player: PELE. Perimeter defense, Exterior defense, Living quarters defense, and Exit strategy. Each one of these are just as important as the others in boosting your chances of surviving an onslaught and should be utilized in tandem rather than separately.

I’ll give an example of perimeter defense since you don’t want to wait until the horde is at your door walls to begin countermeasures. In fact, the goal should be to drop the undead aggressors long before they ever pose a threat to the structural integrity of your holdout. Various methods can be employed to assist you in this. If your perimeter has the advantage of being surrounded by trees, then you can deploy the Wall of Jaws and bite back. To construct this “wall”, you’d simply need some sturdy chain and an abundance of animal traps (bear traps are preferable and you should stock up on them prior to the apocalypse … after all, this is about being prepared). Once your supplies are in hand, you’ll basically want to loop a length of chain over low hanging branches. This chain should then be connected to the short length coming out of the trap which, under normal circumstances is used to peg the snare to the ground. Once joined, the traps should be hoisted until they dangle at approximately head level from the trees. Make sure you have enough traps that you can hang a new one approximately half an arm’s length from the next. If there aren’t enough trees to completely surround your perimeter (or no trees at all), then you can also build a series of supports to act as tree surrogates. If this method is employed, make sure the posts are set in concrete to ensure maximum durability. When your base is attacked (and trust me, it will be) the undead will have to pass through this barrier first. When they trigger the traps, the jaws close in on their face and cannot be removed unless pried apart. Since a rotter doesn’t feel pain and lacks basic reasoning skills, this would never occur to them. As zombies continue their march toward mulch, their bones will eventually become brittle; in a best case scenario the teeth of the trap will pierce the skull and drive both metal and shattered shards of bone into the brain, thus doing the necessary damage. If it doesn’t outright kill the zombie one of two things will happen: A) The zombie becomes tethered to the tree and can’t progress any further than the chain will allow or B) The zombie will rip its own face off as it struggles to free itself from your trap. In the event of B, you will want to have secondary and tertiary lines of perimeter defenses at the ready.

Also, don’t underestimate the effectiveness of clever distraction. Let’s say you’ve got a shed or some kind of outbuilding on your property that has solar panels attached to the roof. The breaker to this shed should be located in the main structure and should be switched off until needed. Within the shed an old style boom box should be plugged into an outlet with the play button on the cassette deck already pressed and the volume turned up all the way. The tape within the deck should be of someone talking, such as an audio book. With the undead on your lawn, throw the switch on the breaker. The cassette will start playing, fooling the zombies into thinking that someone living is within the shed and drawing their attention away from your house. If you’ve surrounded the shed with clever traps, then they’ll basically be walking into their own doom. Once all the zombies are dispatched, turn the breaker off again and start charging up for the next time you need to use this distraction. If you’ve got a boom box with an “auto reverse” feature, then the tape will automatically flip to the other side once it reaches the end and keep you from having to periodically rewind it.
These however are just my initial thoughts and ideas. There are a plethora of ways to protect your base of operations and I, for one, cannot wait to read the ideas and suggestions this portion of the manifesto will generate.

You heard the man, what is your plan?